


It's Bear-rific!

by Tiriel



Category: My Name is Earl
Genre: Gen, Humor, Llamas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:00:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2805341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiriel/pseuds/Tiriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Camden County Fair time, and Catalina has a problem.  Darnell helps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Bear-rific!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lakester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakester/gifts).



Once again, it was time for the Camden County Fair, and it seemed like the whole town was there. Earl was watching Randy try for a Camden County Fair record for longest time spent on the Ferris wheel. Each new record holder got to have his or her picture taken with Gus the Camden County Fair Bear. His previous attempt at the record had ended in high-altitude vomiting when he got too dizzy, but today everyone was prepared. Randy had stuffed himself with all the saltine crackers he could eat, and just in case that didn’t work, Earl had bought ponchos and handed them out to the crowd. Now the fair worker running the ride and all the spectators below were dressed like they were going to sit up front at a Gallagher show.

Darnell was running the Crab Shack’s annual “Fried Crab and Miscellaneous Fried Seafood” booth. The “Bottom of the Crab Bucket Surprise on a Stick” was the most popular menu item, and the cheapest. Joy was watching Dodge and Earl Jr. as they attempted to throw ping-pong balls into goldfish bowls. That could only end one of two ways – with a somber funeral as Mr. Goldfish VI was flushed down the toilet six months from now, or with Joy being removed from the premises by security, again.

Kenny and Stuart were posing for a caricature, Patty was leading a customer to a quiet spot behind the “American Cotton Candy Made in America for American Americans Who Support Our Troops” booth, and Nescobar A-Lop-Lop was stealing pens from the autograph booth for TV’s Tim Stack. That booth was currently vacant because TV’s Tim Stack had passed out an hour before, probably from a potent combination of cough medicine, tranquilizers, and cotton candy.

Unlike the rest of them, though, Catalina was not having a good time. When Darnell took a break from the fried crab booth, he turned a corner and found her near the softball toss, in tears, wearing one of her work uniforms (Club Chubby work, not motel work), and holding a leash that was attached to a very irate-looking llama.

“That is one irate-looking llama,” he said. Most llamas looked irate most of the time, of course, but he could tell the difference between their typical expression of disgust and genuine displeasure.

“I know,” she wailed. “I’ll never get the blue ribbon in the llama agility competition, and Little Chubby will fire me!”

“Why would he do that?”

“He’s demanded that each of the girls at Club Chubby win a blue ribbon at the fair.  He’s obsessed with getting the full set of them to hang on his wall, and if we don’t win one, he will either fire us, or force us to work on coupon day, which might be even worse.”

“What’s so bad about coupon day? Don’t they still tip the same?”

“No, that’s the day when drinks cost double but they get to tip the dancers with coupons instead of cash. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they were grocery coupons, at least those would be useful, but I already have twenty-five unused ‘Redeemable for one free kiss from Willie the mailman’ coupons in my locker.”

“Why not just throw them away?”

“He put such effort into making them, it would be wasteful.”

Darnell considered that, then nodded. “So how did you wind up with the llama?”

“We had lots of llamas in my village, so it seemed like an easy choice. Much easier than growing a prize pumpkin, like Starla had to, or winning the pie-eating contest, like Carla is going to do at four o’clock today.”

“Wow. He really does want to get all the blue ribbons from the fair, doesn’t he?”

“He does. I think his bull balls have gone to his head.”

“They do seem to have brought his aggressive side back with a vengeance.”

“That, and I swear when he looked at Bambi's prize heifer, he had a twinkle in his eye.” She tugged on the llama’s leash, and it leaned its face down into hers and deliberately spat directly into her face. “I’m doomed!”

“Well, luckily for you, Catalina, I am no longer in witness protection, and can therefore use the skills taught to me by a covert branch of the U.S. government to help you with your llama situation.”

“I don’t know if anyone can help with Llittle Llama Chubby. I have never been despised so much by a llama before.  My village was once terrorized by a vicious band of feral llamas, and even then I never saw such hatred in their eyes as I do in his.”

“Trust me. I have a gift for dealing with mountain-dwelling ruminants. We’ll get you that blue ribbon. Hand me that leash, and stand back.”  He began to gently move his head from side to side.

Fifteen minutes later, Catalina led Llittle Llama Chubby, who now looked perfectly at peace with the world, flawlessly through the agility course, which consisted of six miniature rubber tires to step into, two small ramps to walk up and down, three poles to weave through, and one low bar to step over. Every other competitor either had a failure on one of the obstacles, or was disqualified for spitting. Darnell cheered from the sidelines as Catalina collected her blue ribbon.

“You did it! I don’t know why your government taught you to hypnotize llamas with your hair like that, but it worked!”

“Sorry, that’s classified.”

“If we’d had someone with skills like yours in my village, we might have been able to save my great-uncle. And my cousin. And my other cousin.”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that, because I have definitely never been to your village,” Darnell said, “and the feral llamas in question were definitely not part of a surveillance operation being conducted on a local drug lord. But I’m sorry about your cousin. And your other cousin. And your great-uncle.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, if we put Llittle Llama Chubby back in his pen, we can still get to the arena in time to get good seats for the show. Earl’s going to do an item from his list – number 92, wrecked Joy’s chance at driving a monster truck.”

“How did he do that?”

“I’m sure if we ask him, he can provide us with a description of the original event that’s so detailed and vivid we’ll feel like we were there. All Joy ever said about it was ‘Dummy wrecked my chance at driving a monster truck.’ I could tell it was a sensitive subject, so I didn’t ask. The thought of my wife behind the wheel of five to six tons of pure destructive power makes me terrified, and I have to admit a little bit excited, too. It’s sure to be a spectacle.”

A shout from Randy rang out high above the crowd. “I did it! I did it! I broke the record! I’m the king of the Ferris wheel! I’m going to get my picture taken with Gus the Camden County Fair Bear! I’m the cham—“ Then, after a brief pause, they heard assorted noises of disgust from the crowd at the Ferris wheel. “Woo hoo!” Randy shouted. “I love the fair!”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, llama agility is real. When I saw it at a fair once, it involved an awful lot of spitting in faces and refusal to step over obstacles. The spitting did not result in any disqualifications. Most of the examples on YouTube are more professional than that.


End file.
